Last week, as part of my ongoing spiritual journey, I embarked on a systematic rereading of the New Testament. I took a break from reading Mark
and read Deb Bryan’s post about learning compassion from a woman who massaged the head of an old lady whose skull was covered with lesions. I mentioned to Deb that this reminded me of Jesus touching lepers in books Matthew and Mark and that I’d struggled with the same sort of aversion to illness because it taps into my fears of mortality.
Also this morning, a dear friend posted this on my wall:
When you have done all you can, Jesus will do what you can’t.
And she added that “certain things seem like they are for you.” I took from this that all I need to do is my best—to keep my head down, and God will take care of the rest.
Then I got on the phone with my coach, and I admitted that my fear of failure is paralyzing me. I’ve been comparing myself too much to other writers, just like I used to when I was a lawyer. Some of these comparisons serve me well. I need to establish what my market is, for example, in order to package and sell my book to agents. She asked me if there was something—anything—I could do to help me with the pain this causes and very quietly, I replied, “I’m trying to put it in God’s hands. The answer lies in God. In my faith. I can’t get my worth from how many books I sell or how much money I make.”
What does this mean? I need to realize, as Coach Carrie said, that God loves me no matter what, and I need to accept His love. Also, I need to realize that my writing comes in part from Him, or as I read in another blog post today, God is in some respects my muse.
Here is what the writer, Rev. Danny Crosby says:
[There is] a creative process that begins and ends beyond the individual; it speaks of an alchemy of brain, experience and wisdom that adds up to more than the individual who created the work; it speaks of a greater mystery.
Crosby goes on to explore how artists create. Are we inspired by a muse? Why is it that so often, some of our best ideas come to us while we’re sleeping? How much of what we create is truly ours—how much of it comes from our own minds, and how much of it comes from God?
There is something divine occurring in the process; there is something at work here that calls the creation out of the individual; there is something going on 
here that is more than self, that cannot be controlled. I know myself that some weeks I am so full of ideas that they are seemingly bursting out of my ears and yet other weeks the well is dry. Some days I am completely blocked then suddenly, as if something had just whispered in my ears, the idea just comes bursting out of me and I start writing again. Could this be God? Is God controlling this?
I ask the same questions all the time. Sometimes I wake up after having written a piece late at night, and I stare at the keyboard and cannot remember typing the words I see in front of me. I reread a passage I’ve written the next day and find gem-like clarity and it looks and feels both familiar and yet completely new to me. It’s like running into someone in a bar, and they look familiar but you’re not sure if you’ve seen them before—that’s how I feel when I come to one of those passages that seems divinely written.
I don’t know what God has to do with it all. Often I dream up things that I later write about. Dialogue and plot twists come to me when I sleep. And as I walk this earth, things I see, hear, smell or touch stimulate ideas, feelings and even memories, and all of this feeds me. It becomes a part of me and a part of what I write. And sometimes I suspect that God places some of these voices, thoughts, visions, and even apparitions into my path in the hopes it will lead me where he wants me to go, both as a woman and as an artist.
All I know is that if God is using me as a channel, then He will be pleased by what I write. Or if my work represents the deepest, best part of my soul, then He will be pleased with what I create. Or if my work serves him and serves others, or helps them, then He will be pleased. And in the final analysis, that’s all that really, really matters.
As I was contemplating all of this, Deb sent me a blog post from My Shoegaze Faith titled, “The Sound of Generosity.” It’s based on Mark 10:35-45. This chapter tells the story of how all the apostles were arguing for the right to die with Jesus. The apostles argued about who could be the best martyr. Who could suffer the most? Who, in other words, could be the most generous?
The blogger, an Episcopal Priest, wrote the following:
If we listen . . . we hear the sound of Jesus pleading with His disciples to be humble, not to be great. The greatness they all . . . doesn’t come to us because we gamed the system or we tried really hard to earn it.
The mistake all of the disciples make is that they are all jockeying for position, trying to order themselves and figure this out. They are still stuck in the last argument over who is the greatest [servant].
When Jesus says, “whoever wishes to become great among you must be your servant” I no longer hear Jesus ordering anybody, but compelling everyone. If you are to follow me, then you must be a servant. If we are all striving to be servants, then there are no masters.
So what does this mean for me? I keep worrying that my writing won’t be good enough. And if it isn’t good enough, then I’m a failure. If I’m a failure, then I deserve to be punished, and if I deserve to be punished, then at least I should issue the punishment. I can feel a certain weird pride in the depth of my suffering, and I can control my fate, my destiny, even if by controlling it I simply go about the process of destroying myself. Control and destroy rather than surrender to the natural order, to the world, to how the world will take my stuff . . . to God.
Doesn’t God love me no matter what I write? Doesn’t He play some role in what I’m doing? Doesn’t He want me to do something special? Oh no, I don’t mean I’m more special than anyone else. He loves all his children the same; He loves me no more and no less than He loves everyone else. But in writing, I am using the gifts He’s given me, and if I try hard, I can use these gifts to help the world become better. I can be a servant. I can choose to create according to the best inside of me, which is what He has created.
I don’t need to figure out if I’m the best of his servants, no more than I need to prove that I’m the best of writers. It doesn’t matter and in fact, He doesn’t want me to spend all of my time worrying about it. It’s not for me to say and it doesn’t matter how well received my writing is. All that matters is that I do the best I can with the gifts given to me. I’m not even sure if everything I write is supposed to be about Him. I think not. I think I’m supposed to do my best with my talents, and in doing so, with the caveat of course that my work can’t go against His main teachings, I will fulfill my human potential. And THAT pleases Him.
This is lovely, El, and yes, God will love you–He DOES love you–no matter what you write, or how you write. We are the body of Christ. Just like a human body, the body of Christ has all different sorts of parts—different gifts and these can change over time. We are not all toes, for instance.
It is this diversity within the body that allows it to function together as a whole. Each part is equally important in God’s eyes, each voice is equally needed and loved. You are loved beyond what you can possibly imagine, and what you have to offer will be used in ways that you cannot control, or comprehend. In the end, it will all be magnificent. Xoxoxoxo
Thank you so very much dear friend! I’m listening–I really am, and trying to hear everything you’re saying (and everything He’s saying. I know I’m being very stubborn–gah!
I love your description of Christ’s body. I’d forgotten that but it makes total sense! Thank you! Big hugs and much love!
As an agnostic at best, I found this post more confronting than I expected. Yes, you, me and everyone else need to strive to be the best we can be. Why? And is this striving part of a master plan. I don’t know where it comes from, and it doesn’t matter (to me). All I can do is keep on muddling on. Which somedays doesn’t seem like enough.
On a related note. Your writing is a delight. Clear, elegant prose. A gift – and thank you for sharing it.
Blogger has been having a hissy fit and refusing me access to your blog. I am very grateful it relented today.
Morning my friend!! I always smile when I see your avatar because your comments are incisive and thoughtful. Hey, what did you mean by “confronting?” Do you mean that I made you think? Because that’s the kind of post I like best. One that makes us rethink something or think about it from a new perspective. Kind of like your posts tend to do.
Gah! I have never liked the concept of there being a master plan. It chaffs me when people shrug when something bad happens. “Oh well. It’s part of God’s plan.” In the past that sent me running FROM God. I don’t think everything that happens is part of His plan. Maybe He knows what’s going to happen; maybe not. I don’t know. But He did give us free will, and I think it’s hard to understand why He would have given us that if he meant to control us. Sigh.
Aw thank you! So good to read your words!
Yes it did make me think, and is still making me think. And yes, a master plan would have me firmly velcroed to the carpet under the bed refusing to come out.
Thank you, El. Your posts have helped me work through, think about and/or have confirmed my own thoughts and feelings as a survivor. You rock.
Thank you so much for your kind words Meredith! We both rock!!
I like that quote about getting out of your own head by helping someone else. Sooo true! Recently I heard someone say love is not a relationship, love is a statement of who you are. Why? Because you can love people who hate you, reject you, use you, are cruel to you. Love can create relationships, but love is far more than relationships. Does that make sense? Thank you for sharing your lovely wtiness as always!
Yes, Jae, that makes total sense!! I love that reframing of the word and the heralding of a new concept for what love is! Thank you so much for your kind thoughts!
Thank you, El. You have gone into territory that I so often think about but could never articulate as beautifully and as coherently as you have here. When I read your writings, your message is one that is so powerful, so life-changing, I feel God working through me in your writings. I feel there is some bit of wisdom He wants me to know when I find myself reading your exquisite messages. Here is the part that really resonated with me, the part I know I came here to read because He wanted me to know this: “All I know is that if God is using me as a channel, then He will be pleased by what I write. Or if my work represents the deepest, best part of my soul, then He will be pleased with what I create. Or if my work serves him and serves others, or helps them, then He will be pleased. And in the final analysis, that’s all that really, really matters.”
Thank you. This brings me peace. I know my journey is God’s journey. I know I do not think of my blog posts; He brings them to me. I know my words don’t flow from my fingertips–He makes causes them to flow. So does that mean I should be writing about HIm? I have struggled with that again and again. But tonight, you have given me a sense of calm. My work is serving Him and others; it comes from the deepest part of my soul; He speaks to me whenever I go walking along my favorite country road, I listen, and I write what I hear. Then perhaps I should know, He will be pleased with what I create. I cannot thank you enough. You are such a gift to me.
It is so good to hear from you Rachel! And one thing I am 100% sure of is that you need not write about Him to honor Him. You just keep on doing what you’re doing . . . you’re making the world a better place, word by word, and step by step. Much love to you!!
To read this right now is a gift to me.
Smiling.
The letting go of control thing is my hardest faith struggle. It’s so easy to destroy my best efforts even by something as simple as that mean and nagging voice in the back of my head, the one that whispers “Not good enough” every time I think I’ve done something well. I don’t know how to let go. Maybe I don’t trust enough; maybe I’m too scared. It’s hard, isn’t it? I do think you hit the nail on the head when you said that what matters is to do your best with what you have–that’s all that’s ever needed from us. We create the complications ourselves.
I have so longed for control, for so long. It is only in the last few weeks I have begun.to.hand over the reins, and it feels AMAZING. i thought it would be hard, and brutal, but now . . . now there is increasing peace, and I am thankful.
What Deb says below is so true for me as well. Surrender . . . is a concept that somehow, someway has brought me peace. A lot of it is in the chapter I sent you but there is more that I haven’t written because it’s too hard to feel it. To admit that there is someone else in control has always scared the hell out of me because growing up, the ones in control hurt me. I’ve been afraid for so long of getting hurt, so afraid that I turned away from He who made me. Thinking that as long as I never handed over control, I’d remain safe. But I was wrong. I see that now.
El, after reading your honest yet conflicted account about fear and multiplying gifts that God’s given you, I am reminded of the Parable of the Talents (Matthew 25:14-30; Luke 19:12-28). “To one he gave five talents, to another two, and to another one, each according to his ability. Thee who had received five talents went off right away and put his money to work and gained five more. But the one who had received one talent went out and dug a hole in the ground and HID his master’s money in it.”
I think the message is simple. Whatever talent(s) God entrusts us with, we are supposed to multiply them for the advancement of His glory, for the sake of the greater good. If we show up, He will show up.
Faithful service leads to increased responsibility. And you El, have been given so much. I believe He deposited these gifts in you so they can be shared with the rest of the world.
I’m overwhelmed by your kind thoughts, my friend. I love that Parable of the Talents! It’s just fantastic, you know? And it makes me feel better for what I naturally do–which is to share my work again and again with the world. I have always felt compelled to speak and write, then felt guilty for it, as if some naysayers were right in arguing that I was seeking attention. Nope. They were wrong all along. I was sharing my talents for the sake of the greater good. And hey, a bird sings out of joy . . . to contribute his song to the world. That is why I share my writing . . . and to think that pleases God fills me with peace.
I love to think that he’s given me so much, and expects that I use those gifts faithfully and with responsibility. To me, that is a high honor indeed.
Have a lovely evening!! xoxo
Sweet El – God is pleased with you, and nothing you do or have done will increase or decrease his love. xo
Aw shoot, you always bring a big smile to my face dear friend! xoxo
Thank you! Your words mean so much to me!!!
Thank you Amy!!
awesome El – your words reminded me to seek solace and hope within myself and to trust the Universe will provide at the right time : ) blessings and glitter hugs wonderful one x
Thank you so very much dear Evie!! I love how you expressed it above–the concept of seeking solace and hope within ourselves fills me with warm fuzzies! Many blessings and hugs back to you! xo
I’m stunned that wordpress has allowed my comment to appear! Alas, like so many times in the past, it’s a fickle thing, a passing fancy. So, for today, I will celebrate this freedom. I’ll tell you that your blog is wonderful, your writing is heartfelt, meaningful and current. I will tell you that you have a place in this crowed cyber-world and I’m glad to see you boldly put forth your faith. I will tell you, it’s nice to finally meet…
Sue
Sue!!! It’s great to see you here!! Thank you so much for persevering through the WordPress craziness! I am grinning, for real, sitting here in my quiet sitting room and reading your kind remarks!! Thank you so much!! And I’ll see you around soon!
~El
Dare I be so bold as to try again! And, guess WHAT, El – I can follow you… just to keep me reined in though, I can’t “like” your posts. Is that a bit looney or what? Ah, well, so glad we’ve been able to chat and I hope/pray we can continue for a good long time!
Here’s to us. Yeah!
Sue
LOL Sue!
Sometimes God allows us to feel powerless so we can see His. He knows your heart and He is in control. Your vulnerability is so inspiring. Reminds me of what I’m reading now, which you read as well
“Daring Greatly.” Just let Him guide you and you’ll see where He’ll take you. Xoxo
Hello Cynthia! And I think you’re 100% right about feeling powerless and surrendering to His control. I used to be afraid to give up control. I was scared I would get hurt. But He won’t hurt me. Oh thank you so much re daring to be vulnerable and Daring Greatly! I do indeed love that book. I’m reading the part on parenting and it’s really strengthening my intuition on how I should (how we should) raise my (our) children. And you know what? I am letting Him guide me and I have no idea where I’m going, lol! xoxo
And that’s what surrendering to Him is all about. Trusting Him even when we don’t know what’s waiting on the other side. Keep it up
xoxo
I truly believe that creativity is a SPIRITUAL TRANSACTION – especially after reading Julia Cameron’s book, The Artist’s Way. I strongly suggest you pick up a copy. It has changed and is still changing my life as an artist. Or at the very least, read my blog post on the subject. http://wp.me/p1UDsm-am Love to you, my dear!
Yes! I love this book! Much love to you too!
That you questions your writing to me proves you are a great writer. You want it to be the best it can be. Please don’t get into that spiral of failure. If you finished your novel, you succeeded. If you made each scene come to life for your reader, you succeeded. And it may take 10s or 100s of queries to find the right agent and publisher, but as long as you are sending them out, you are succeeding. Failure is a permanent ending. And as long as the book exists and you try to sell it, you are succeeding.
Take it from someone whose been querying for a while now. 
Thank you so much Kourtney! And shoot yes–I really do want my work to be the best it can be . . . without driving myself nutters, you know? Ah yes, I do often fall into failure spirals, but I’m getting much stronger and wiser about not falling into the traps cast along my way. Realizing that I wasn’t in a good place last week and this week, I have held off for a couple of weeks before sending letters out. My safety and mental health are paramount, but I’m hoping to start sending some things out after this week’s marathon. I am so glad to know that you’re back in the saddle, so to speak and continuing to work the process. I do believe we’ll get there! xoxo
I hear you on the break thing. I thought I’d immediately jump into revising my next book, but I realized I need some time to deal with a big rejection. So I’m giving myself that time and accepting that I can’t do everything exactly when I want to. But that’s okay. Because when I am ready, it will be so much better. Good luck in the marathon! And best of luck with the queries. One trick I have is to send a few out so if a rejection comes, there are still possibilities out there. And for every rejection, fire off a new query until you get to 20-30 rejections. Then analyze the feedback. It could be the query letter isn’t doing it’s job. It could be the genre isn’t right. It’s good to do things in batches. And just remember you are amazing. You write beautifully.
Dear El,
This post left me with a lot of questions in my mind. “Will God find my writing pleasing”; “What does God really want me to do”? In my humble opinion we must go all the way back to “God is pleased with you alone”. Imagine two Els’, one with her basket full; of writing, running, family, friends, learning about you and your place in the big scheme of life and the other El with her basket completley empty. God loves both Els’ exactly the same! But does El love both exactly the same? I believe we have to strip everything back to “Do we really love ourselves with nothing in our basket.”? God is not questioning what we have or do but WE ARE. We are not in a race, all this God stuff takes a lifetime of learning and doing and sharing, but we want to have it instantly, such is a human being! Just some things that were on my mind By the way, I am not all put together, I am still on this journey with many flaws and struggles. All the very best…..Hugs, April
Dear April:
You response made me think! And you pose an incredible hypothetical. I think that I’m getting so much closer to loving both Els the same. And yep: as a human, I do seem to want to know it all. Here’s to you and to the journey we’re both on!! Hugs back to you!
El
This resonated with me in so many ways, El. Thank you for writing it. I feel like I could have said most everything you said. I do feel anything creative is from a higher source or power. I have moments when my writing flows naturally, with really no work on my part. Almost like something has taken over like I’ve tapped into a direct line to God. I’ve heard many musicians say the same. The music just comes like a bolt out of the blue. I think as long as we trust ourselves and listen to our inner guidance, we can’t go wrong with our writing.
Aw thank you so much Darla! Gosh, how I love those moments when it flows! It is a beautiful thing and I try to remember it on nights like tonight when every word is like pulling teeth! I agree 100% as far as trust ourselves and listening to our inner guidance.
I hope you’re having a lovely evening!
We have never talked about our beliefs, how they differ or how they are the same. As a recovering Catholic, a Deist and a sometime pragmatist I find your search for balance with Gods love stunning, heart wrenching and loving at once. I don’t think you could ask these questions if you didn’t have a core of faith, a flame that burns inside that causes you to reach out and up. That you constantly seek to be ‘more’ or ‘better’ is simply that piece of you that looks for love and approval, but El don’t you know, you are loved with no need to prove yourself, no further steps necessary other than you be simply you.
You are compassionate. You are strong. You are loving. You are open. You are a seeker. You are talented, a wonderful writer. You bring great joy to others. You bring great strength to others, even though I don’t think you are aware of how your words touch them and give them strength. You are a great friend, kind and caring. You are a wonderful mother and I suspect wife. You are smart and witty. You have helped to form a community of women and men who are growing in strength and wisdom because of your input.
El, you are loved with nothing further required but that you continue on your journey leaving yourself open to learning and joy.
I love you – Val
I always smile when I see your gravatar, Val! I too am a recovering Catholic (what a messed up religion, you know?!!) and I have often been agnostic, usually Christian, and always totally confused and searching and questioning everything. That is my essence, but something new has taken hold of me. I’m too tired tonight to analyze it or even try to understand it. I’m just going to be content to be as I am.
I love how you talked about that core of faith in me–yes. I do see that. And you know what Val? (whispering now) . . . I do see it–I see that I’m loved and don’t need to prove anything anymore. And that makes me wanna lay my head down and rest in peace and exhausted gratitude.
I’m very tired dear friend, and have this crazy strong soup of emotions to deal with. I wish I could better express my gratitude to you for your kind words and your unconditional love and support.
I love you.
Honestly, I am not as sure of religion as I used to be. That said, I do think all you can do is your best. And then hope that from there the universe takes care of the rest, that when you need words they will come, that when you need a glass of water it will be there. I don’t really know how to explain it. We spend so much time pursuing this or that, only to turn around and realize, “Nope, that’s not what I need, but this is. And look, it’s right here.”
Also, I was just catching up on your blog, and realized you’re running the Marine Corps Marathon tomorrow! So exciting! Good luck, I’m sure you will do awesome!
Thank you so much, my friend! And I do understand what you mean about divine providence (or something like that)! The MCM was, as always, incredibly uplifting . . . and now I limp, lol!
An inspiring post that feeds the heart of every reader of what it longs to say, or do or must have in life. Truly a priceless gem.Thanks.
Thank you many times over my friend!
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