It’s been raining this morning since I woke up. The house takes on a grayish tint without sunlight and I’m thinking about grabbing my red running jacket and heading out to run over tree roots and through mud and into puddles. That will come later. For now, I grab a sweatshirt, my husband’s thick black fleece one, and edit and write and think and create, hoping to sculpt some beauty out of the uncertain edges that make up my rainy morning.
I don’t write to anyone else’s requirements anymore, and I love that. I love the freedom of crafting words according to my own artistic needs. For far too many years, I wrote what and how and when I was told . . . by partner, court or client.
Please forgive me, kind friends who have bestowed lovely blogging awards on me, but I simply cannot spend time writing to spec, so to speak. What I love most about this writing gig of mine is I can blaze my own trail. I have total and complete artistic freedom, and this is more precious to me than almost anything else, save my family.
Artistic freedom is a beautiful and mighty thing. I was thinking about this last night while talking to a dear, dear friend of mine. You see, I will never work for anyone else again. I’m going for it. I’m all in, as far as my choice of vocation. I am blessed to be doing for a living the one thing I love most: writing.
While I don’t write to spec, I love to riff off other writers, and my favorite source for improvisation material is my dear friend, Deborah Bryan. A few weeks ago, I received her post, Let’s Get Real, in my in-box and I sat there, all hunched over my brand-new Macbook Pro, reading the results of five minutes of unfiltered, fearless, straight up “this is what I’m thinking and fuck it all I’m going to tell you what’s on my mind” writing. And I grinned and howled and felt at home, as if she and I were sitting on her balcony drinking tea and watching the cars race past on the freeway overhead.
So here goes.
I know I write well. Am I arrogant or just honest? I suck at a lot of things and am average at best at many more.
For example, I strive to be a good mom. In truth, I think I’m a mediocre mom, but that’s better than telling everyone who will listen that I’m a great mom and consistently proving otherwise.
I’m mad at Facebook. My friends call Mark Zuckerberg something different. They switch the “Z” with an “F” and I think it’s funny but then I feel guilty for calling him bad names even after I use his product all day, every day. That said, he is trying to make page owners like me pay for what was once free. My friend, D.Z., explained that he should be paying us, the content creators, for what we do. We get Facebook users to linger more online, and the more our followers linger, the more likely they are to click on the paid advertising links.
I’m bored with this rant.
I’m bipolar and hyper and unable to sit still. I interrupt people too much; smile when I’m sad; giggle when I’m mad; and hate to wear dresses or uncomfortable shoes. In fact, the real reason I’m a writer is so that I can wear athletic shorts and a t-shirt every day.
My husband says I look sexy in shorts and t-shirts. He says I look even better naked. This pleases me. I feel secure and unconditionally loved.
I love my hair. It’s long and sort of dirty blond, not quite auburn, and not yet silver. It makes me feel feminine and pretty, which is hard for me. Usually, I don’t feel pretty or even feminine. It isn’t safe to be soft and pretty. It scares me. And typing that makes me wanna cry . . . but I don’t cry much and I don’t feel like being sad today.
Loud noises give me a headache. Violent TV shows give me nightmares. Every time I see a gratuitously naked woman in a movie, the little child in me screams in pain and fury. Shades of Grey’s success infuriates me. What the hell is wrong with people anyway? Why is this book popular? The book celebrates abusive sex and the writing sucks.
This world we live in is so awful. Damn it all.
But this world is beautiful too. I hear the raindrops hitting the leaves in my backyard. It’s raining harder and harder and not every drop makes the same noise as it hits the green and yellow leaves. It doesn’t sound discordant, and I wonder how many raindrops it takes to create harmony.
I laugh too loud. And so do my kids. Sometimes I worry that they laugh too loud. I worry that I laugh too loud and too much so that people will like me more.
I’m terrified to publish I Run because I’m going balls to the walls and telling my story, my real story. What will people think? What will my birth family do to me if they find out about what I’m writing?
Did you know where the phrase “balls to the walls” originated? It comes from the aviation world. On an airplane, the handles controlling the throttle are often topped with ball-shaped grips, referred to by pilots as balls. Pushing the balls forward, close to the front wall of the cockpit increases the amount of fuel going to the engines and results in the highest possible speed.
In other words, balls to the walls means giving your maximum effort. That’s the way I live and love and write. Consequences be damned.
And that, my friends, is a wrap. I’m going to write like this more often because it feels good.
I’m heading out for a run in a few minutes. While I’m gone, please feel free to tell me something unfiltered about yourself in the comments below.
Go for it — the freedom sounds exhilarating. My time will come, too, one day!
Hey Elyse! I had a blast writing this! Man it feels good lol!
You are brave. If we could only have 1/4 the courage you illustrate in your writing, we’d probably have more unscripted and authentic exchanges.
Aw thanks! I don’r know if I’m brave–I’m thinking foolhardy lol! Seriously, I love real and authentic exchanges. It’s why I’m here, you know? Of course, I don’t like when people turn mean when they’re authentic, and I don’t think being real means having to say just anything . . . I don’t like to be gratuitously hurtful, you know?
The more honest you are, the more you reach others and make change in the world. “Be bold and mighty forces will come to your aid!”….!
(I said that to myself as well as to encourage you!)
LOL!! I know it!!
Heck yeah!! And I love that quotation!
You are brave! I’m proud of you…seriously proud. To believe in your voice wholeheartedly takes courage. Unfiltered about myself? I’m a placater. I hate when people are upset, particularly with me, but with anyone really. I make excuses for other people’s behavior. I give the benefit of the doubt ALWAYS. These are good qualities at times, but they have led to too much abuse in my life…really, downright physical abuse all the way to the abuse of passive manipulation. I’m aware of this though. The wool doesn’t get pulled over my eyes too easily, although others might believe otherwise. Slowly but surely, I am learning that I deserve more and am demanding nothing less. I’m much happier this way.
Thank you so much Coach Carrie!! Ah yes, a placater. We children who went through stuff often turn out that way, don’t we? I do a lot of the same, you know? As far as giving people the benefit of the doubt, I like that about you (until and unless you get hurt as a result of it). Aw man, I’m grinning reading the last few sentences you wrote–and cheering too!! xoxo
HI Carrie
Wanted to thank you for slipping over to my blog at GRANSPEAK and leaving me such nice comments. Really glad you enjoyed it. I see that you too have a blog. Would like to add you to my blog roll, both at GRANSPEAK and at my sexual abuse/incest blog at VIGALAND. Would that be okay? I think your blog at Tempo Life Coaching would be useful to my subscribers. Thanks so much.
“This world we live in is so awful. Damn it all.
But this world is beautiful too”
I love the contradictory nature of the world. Everything exists…and we have the choice to view the things we like.
Thanks for sharing the link to Deborah’s post. Enjoyed it!
Yes! I love how the world swings back and forth between the extremes, just as we, precious and imperfect humans, swing back and forth from light to darkness and all hues and shades and colors in between.
You bet re Deb! She’s one of my best friends–I’m overjoyed to share her work!
You are so awesome. We, mothers, need this kind of honesty. Often you hear the moms at school talking about how perfect they are and how they know how many strands of hair their kids freaking have when in reality they are losing their minds and they can’t keep up with all their self-imposed schedule. Being honest with yourself and others is of service to the world. So yes, write whatever and however you want and we’ll all learn from your freedom.
Good afternoon Cynthia!! Thank you so much! Oh man, I know what you mean about the school moms–I used to try to fit into that crowd (and these were nice people) but I found I was not being myself, and was so uncomfortable because I was always wearing someone else’s persona. Meanwhile, they weren’t being themselves either. So we were all talking around and over and past one another–know what I mean? It feels so freakin’ good to just be me!! Thanks so much for reading and commenting!
Love it
I would love to be “balls to the wall” and not working/writing for anyone else, but that’s just not viable right now. However, I can blog about whatever the hell I want, feel whatever the hell I want, say whatever the hell I want and enjoy whatever the hell I want when I’m not on the clock. We all have a choice, and more often than not, we’re the ones who put ourselves in a psychological prison with self-imposed rules that we no longer need to adhere to.
I have a long way to go. I’m not where you are (minus the mental illness, hyperactivity, love of writing and exercise, of course.) But each day I can try once again
Thank you Abby! And I know exactly what you mean. I was talking with a really good friend last night about this exact thing. As I said to her (and we both howled), I’m pretty much a kept woman right now–married to a government lawyer (who is very pissed I wrote about him AGAIN lol) who keeps us in cornflakes. Seriously (for 30 seconds) I have so much respect for you and for the friend I was talking to–y’all are doing what you have to do and it is a good, positive thing, if that makes sense.
I’m grinning re your last paragraph. I think you rock.
I know what you mean about writing what YOU want. I feel exactly the same way!! Good for you for taking this much needed expression back for yourself. Vulnerability is strength.
Isn’t it the bomb when you can just write and be vulnerable? You know, I have Brene Brown’s Daring Greatly on my desk–haven’t read it yet but I can’t wait. That’s exactly what we’re trying to do, right?
Yes. Exactly.
Thanks for this raw, and inspiring writing! It is very refreshing! You ask at the end for us to write something unfiltered about ourselves. Wow! I have been sitting here thinking THAT one over, and learned so much about me in the process. Am I happy? Am I sad? Am I afraid? Lonely? Do I feel stupid? Am I peaceful? Am I “good enough”? What is my passion in life? Do I have one? To be honest, and unfiltered,(I like that word…UNFILTERED), I have felt all of these things lately. Right now, today, I am anxious and a little bit sad, with moments scattered in of appreciating all that I have in life. What a strange combination. But you asked, so I am trying to be very being real.
♥,
P.j.
Awww so good to see you here P.j.!!! As far as what you wrote above–just a big warm smile and hug for you. That mental progression is one I do over and over again, and so often I fill not one thing alone, but a mix of several, just like that. I love that you are still trying to hold onto the positive thing (gratitude and appreciation) . . . what are we, without those better angels, you know?
Much love back atcha!!
This was perfection …. I loved this. Loved you wrote it and loved reading it, it made me smile.
Awww Val!! Big, big smile for you! I love you!
Being honest and brave and vulnerable is the only way to go! I love this post, and I love you, the person.
Man it was fun Annie!! We should be this way every day shouldn’t we!?! Thank you so much for your kind words!! Love you too!!
Love it El. Now you’re writing the way I do: shooting straight from the hip and and if the dart hits a nerve, so be it! I love this kind of writing: uncensored, honest. Not stopping to think about is it grammatically perfect or would it be better if I said it this way or that. Hell, I’m not writing a novel, especially in my blogs. Blogging is good: I write as I feel, letting the words tumble out, just like you seem to have done here. Stopping a train of thought because suddenly it bored you. Cool! Love the Zuckerberg with an “F”. Giggle! But hey, it’s not cheap to maintain all the servers he must need to keep Facebook going. Those ads? Who clicks on them? I’ve haven’t clicked one yet. I like to decide what I want to buy when I see it and want it. I like to buy, not be sold to. Big difference.
As for your comment “I’m terrified to publish I Run because I’m going balls to the walls and telling my story, my real story. What will people think? What will my birth family do to me if they find out about what I’m writing?” That’s what I’m doing with my book, COMING OUT FROM UNDER. I don’t know any other way to write it. The good, the bad, the ugly … that’s what makes it true, honest, not fiction. No Harry Potter here. I can’t write fiction to save my life. Kudos to those who can but real life and real people are so much more interesting. Yeah sure, you might cause an avalanche of feathers in the chicken coop like I did in my personal rant/rave blog (not incest-focussed) with this post GRANSPEAK, but hey, they get over it. Look what we had to get over in our own lives!
Go for it El. Let it all hang out and tell the truth. Rooting for you fellow survivor!
I’m so glad to have a fellow fighter my friend! And hey, we’re more than survivors — we’re thrivers! One thing I do want to be clear about . . . I Run will also be about hope and love and running toward a better life. And these memoirs are a pause for me from the fiction I’m also writing. So sister, keep up the fight and never forget what we’re fighting for–for a future where we have no one or nothing to fight against. Much love to you!
How is it possible that you make me laugh, choke up, then grin, then breathe in the deep soothing rain? I love this post, and I DO hope you write like this ALWAYS. xo
Grinning back atcha lovely friend!! The rain has finally cleared up and today it is hot and humid and I’m thinking about too many things at once, as always, lol! God bless you sister! xoxo
Balls to the wall Sister…that’s how we THRIVE. I love this post almost as much as I love you. Being another completely honest person who is so often stiffened by herself I know how it feels to just let it rip. LIBERATION! You fell nothing short of being perfectly imperfectly you El and who else can you be? I love you sis and I am so incredibly proud of you….this post seems like you passed through a portal to me. You crossed a line or walked through the wardrobe door. I love it! xoxo Ella
Wahoo sister!! We gotta find a way to write and live free, you know? Into a future where we’re fighting for, rather than against, something. I’m sitting here in a Starbucks typing and looking at the old people hanging out around me, walking ever so slowly. I’m wondering if there will come a time I walk that slowly, with that broad of a smile on my face. Rock on fellow warrior!! I love you!
I love this post, El! It makes me wanna hang out with you in person even more.
Aw thank you so much August! I’m grinning, and daydreaming about traipsing around in L.A. chatting about the best writers ever (seriously, that could be a never-ending conversation LOL). xo
Damn, you are a mighty fine writer! More please! I could read your words all the live long day.
I also love the freedom I’ve found with writing and my blog. Laying it all out there. Giving people the true uncensored ‘me’. You keep on doing that, El. I love that about you.
Aw thank you so much my friend! I hear ya re freedom . . . I am still grinning over your momdictionary post. I told my husband about it when we were hiking on Monday. You keep on doing what you too! xo
An editor I worked for gave me this quote (don’t remember who originally said it), “On the shoulder of every woman writer is an angel telling her to be good.” She encouraged me to sit a little devil on my shoulder and rewrite an essay that I’d submitted. When I followed through on her advice, she rewarded me with a GENEROUS check.
That’s what we all need to do more often.
Teresa: I love, love love that quote from the editor!! It simply rocks! And yes, by all means we all need to do that more often! Have a lovely day my friend!
Every time I read your writing I feel like I’m in your shoes, walking through your life, or at least holding your hand as you guide me through your world. Hold steadfast to your dreams. You are doing what you’re were born to do.
Aw thank you so much Stephanie! Coming from a damn good writer like you, that’s a huge compliment! And I will hold onto these dreams. Life is too dang short, you know? xoxo
I love that you are doing what you were born to do. Your writing is real, which means that sometimes it is painful, and at others it is painful and funny. At once. When you laugh because the alternatives are too awful. And it is much, much better that you and your children laugh loud, long and often than curl into a little balls and hide away.
I am so sorry that I have only known you for such a short time. Now I have found you I am going to stick.
Morning Elephant’s Child!!! Thank you so much for your kind words! I’m overjoyed to have you on board, and love your work too! Have a lovely day!!
Thanks for keeping it real here. Makes me want to come back again soon to hang out and chat.
Hope you had a good run, El!
Hey Kourtney! Happy to keep it real–am hoping your grandmom will swing by for a visit lol! And thank you–my run was splendid!
Love the frankness, honesty, direct to the point approach. I was a bit disturbed when you mentioned Facebook will start charging the very people who made it successful. Isn’t the millions he had enough? Hmm…you know, the charging thing may its be its downfall. As for loud noices…i don’t like it too…drives me crazy! Have a great week.
Thank you so much my friend. I am thinking this might well be Facebook’s downfall. Going public made a few people a lot of money but the business plan lacked coherence, since it relies upon advertising revenues. As of yet, these are rather minimal, and they won’t be created by putting a stranglehold on artists, writers and small nonprofits. Hope you’re enjoying lovely fall weather!
I’ve really enjoyed the freedom of my blog and writing whatever I wanted each day, although I can’t say I really speak my mind or shoot from the hip. I probably speak my mind a lot more in real life and my blog is an opportunity to create a different version of myself.
Ah, but I do not speak my mind or shoot from the hip enough in real life . . . like you, my blog is a way to create a different version of me. What I’m seeing, however, is that being loose and free here is translating, a bit, to real life. Thank you so much for stopping by!
Your honesty reminds me of another writer – Ernest Hemingway! Keep up your standards. You are holding us all accountable for our words in your frankness. Good luck with the full time writing. You sound so liberated.
Aw thank you so much! I feel free, most days, lol! Except when I’m writing boring stuff like synopses and query letters (I need to learn to make emoticons for my mean–yuck face giggle)–more giggling and back to work. So good to see you!
An inspiring post, and one I can certainly learn from. So much of life is artifice, yet your blog always does a great job of dodging all of that artifice in favor of honesty.
Thank you so much Marc! Now if only I can stop dodging artifice in my real life, you know?
I know exactly what you mean!
Good for you, El, going for it in such a direct, this-is-me fashion. Greatsby hit the nail on the head for me as well. I love writing what I want, but my blog is not about letting it all hang out. For me, it’s crafting a different version of myself.