I used to be my worst enemy. In word or in deed I sabotaged myself. I have written in here of self-hurting; of my inner-editor-hater; of suicidal ideation; of self-abnegation and even self-hatred. Rather than repeat the sad refrains that used to replay over and over again in my mind like a bad pop lyric, I am here to tell you today how I stopped these self-destructive behaviors and became a Rebel Thriver. I tell this story in the hopes that it helps one of you.
My therapist squinted at her notepad and flipped the page over as I explained a few things I like about myself. She waited for me to stop talking and then she smiled.
“Did you hear that?”
“What?”
“You just said that you like a few things about yourself.” The corners of her mouth turned up and then I then I found that I was grinning this silly, child-like grin.
“I did, didn’t I?”
“You said, and I quote, ‘I am of great value.’” She looked me in the eye and I looked away, blushing. Then she added, “So next week, whenever you can, I want you to practice saying that whenever you feel like hurting yourself or whenever you feel bad about yourself.”
Before I left her office, she made me say, “I am of great value” a few times. I felt like Helen Keller, learning a new language. The words felt funny on my tongue. And something in my heart felt warm. I blushed each time I said it, and yet it also felt good. Really good.
The week kicked along, and things at home didn’t go so well. Sometimes, when I felt like hell, I managed to choke out the words, “I am of great value,” but more often than not, I fell back into my tired pattern of thinking that I hated myself, or even feeling that the world would be better off without me. I reread that sentence and cringe; I hope you don’t judge me for it, but it’s the truth and that’s what I tell when I write.
At one point, I even called my therapist, desperate and forlorn, and she took a tough love stance with me. She told me to wait until I saw her in a couple of days, and until then, to keep trying, and when that failed, to pray.
A few days later, I sat on her tan sofa. She sized me up, and nodded. She nods a lot. It’s a mannerism or early Parkinson’s. Then she said, “Tough week?”
After I told her just how tough it was, she put her notepad down. “Okay. Let’s try something different. It’s Lent. So I am going to ask you to do something for the rest of Lent.”
I gulped. I hadn’t done anything for Lent. As a lapsed Catholic and mediocre Methodist, I almost never do. But I trust my therapist. “Okay. Okay. What.”
“No thoughts of suicide.”
“For all of Lent?” I waited for her to nod. And then I added, “I can do that and I can do one better. No self-destructive thoughts period.” I grinned. The cocky, athletic, high-achiever side of me was engaged. It was a challenge. And I was eager to show that I could meet it.
About ten minutes into my first day, I heard a thought and it wasn’t a good one. I swayed, and felt it pressing in on me. I had screwed up and gotten annoyed with one of my children. I almost went on to growl, “I am a shitty mom. Because I am a shitty mom, I am not worthy. I hate myself . . . “ But I did not. With an uncertain smile, I whispered, “I have great value; I mean, I am of great value.”
In another 10 minutes, I had to push away another negative thought. And then another. And another. By 10 a.m., I was exhausted. Utterly drained. I could not keep mumbling, “I am of great value” every few minutes. It just didn’t seem like enough.
The darkness encroached. I wanted to lie down and rest, which is what I used to do when I felt suicidal. I would lie face down on my floor and lie on my hands. This time, I tumbled out of my chair and looked out the window. The sun blazed through the trees and shone in my eyes. And it gave me an idea: turn the light on the darkness.
I spent the entire day, eyes tracking sunbeams, and turning the light on the darkness that raged inside me. Forgive me if this sounds weird, but I am making an objective report: I felt like I was battling demons. And finally I held a weapon strong enough to defeat the depredations they had wrought upon me all of these years: light.
I imagined that a bright light filled me. And rather than turn it on each demon, or each hurtful thought, I filled myself with light. And the light circled and branched out inside me, like an unquenchable torch. And nothing could extinguish it.
Hours later, I staggered downstairs, still lit inside, but finally able to walk and talk to my family. Months later, when darkness encroaches, I seek the light and I turn it on. Let it shine.
How do you deal with negative and/or self-destructive thoughts? Have you come up with any effective strategies, and if so, would you like to share them?
YOU ARE OF TREMENDOUS VALUE!!!! I am partially yelling but in a wonderful giant hug kind of way. Sorry I have been away but I read this and think, please keep the sunbeams shining in…you are so amazing and wonderful and talented and real and what a gift you are to us all. As for any negative throughts I have and what I do is look around me and think I am so lucky. I kiss warm chubby cheeks and turn into the tickle monster so I can let the ensuing giggles crash over me like a wave of perspective. My thoughts are different but no less frightening in some ways so that’s what I do, take one moment at a time and if I don’t like the moment I am in I look for something better in the next moment. Love you girl! xoxo
Good morning Shannon!!! I read your sweet, kind comment last night, right before I sent myself to bed (LOL) and your words resonated and made me feel great!! You too are amazing and wonderful and talented!! And much more!!
I love how you deal with negative thoughts. Many times when I was postpartum or just overwhelmed by my three children (in three years–I called them my hat trick lol), I would sneak in and stare at them while they slept (only time it was ever quiet) and thank God for my good fortune.
Love you too, my friend!!!
Beautiful post. I was on a run with my sponsor and telling her about suicidal fantasies and she said suicide was off the table. Period. She told me to take it off the table for one day at a time and to renew the pledge everyday. It was tough but a great point.
Thank you so much, my friend!
So often, I figure things out while I run. And I’ve found that it is so much easier to talk, really talk, when I walk or run with someone. I like your sponsor’s no-nonsense attitude about suicide. That is the sort of approach that works with me. Loving, but firm, and focused on concrete solutions. And it is tough to abide by these sort of pledges, but it also takes all of the uncertainty out of it, you know?
Have a lovely morning!!
You are magnificent and of untold and uncounted value! Thank you, for your honesty and telling this for yourself and others. I worship the sunlight, perhaps this is one of the reasons why, unknowingly it helps to keep my demons at bay.
Val: thank you so much my friend, for your kind remarks!! I love how you worship the sunlight! That makes total sense to me. xoxo
Like you, I have had to battle that inner voice. To learn to stop pshawing compliments. To start retraining my brain to think well of myself. I adore you, El. And as others have already said, you have great worth. I know why you have had to go down your dark path: to write that book. For without that journey, I don’t think it could have been crafted.
And I adore you too pardner!! Thank you so much, my friend. I think you are right re why I had to go down that dark path. I was rewriting/editing chapter 3, and some of the things Phoebe said were lifted straight from my journal. It’s real. And so much of that sweet girl is me.
You are one of the most amazing women I have ever met ( well, ya know). I love you. I love your courage and i love what you are doing for others. The mind is such a crazy thing. If you have control of your mind, and how to turn off the negative thoughts, you CAN< DO AND WILL see that light and see how special and worthy you really are! xoxoxoxoxo
My friend, you honor me with your kind remarkd. I am so grateful. And I love you!
Aye, the mind is a crazy thing. It can be a tool for good and a tool for evil. What amazes me is that we can retrain and control the synapses; we can change. And the power for good is so much stronger than the power for darkness. xoxoxo
Thank you for this post…. I needed it. My thoughts that I have to get past are usually from being overwhelmed, like there is just so much I don’t know where to even start. This post was good for me to read. I don’t even know you, but think you have amazing courage and strength.
Again… Thank you
And thank you so much for your kind comment! And I know exactly what you mean about feeling overwhelmed. For me, it helps to just start plugging away . . . or take a nap. So often, I realize that I am overtired, the way my kids so often get, and the mountain of work seems so much higher when I haven’t gotten enough sleep. Speaking of which–lol. I need a nap. xoxo
El, I so appreciate your honesty. And it’s funny, when I read the term ‘rebel thriver’ I immediately thought of your author image. That’s exactly what I see (“rebel thriver”) when I look at that picture of you in the aviator sunglasses.
This is a tad trite, but taking the dog for a walk and being outside is definitely a way I ‘let the light in’ – literally and metaphortically. So I’m very glad it’s swimming season! Swimming does wonders for me.
Aw Jules: you just made my day! I am even wearing a Rebel Thriver bracelet, and I work with a group called Rebel Thriver.
As far as your comment, I don’t think it sounds trite at tall. Swimming also does wonders for me (I adore the water–it calms me) and in general, getting outside does a world of good for me. xoxo
Gorgeous post, El! I especially loved this: “Before I left her office, she made me say, “I am of great value” a few times. I felt like Helen Keller, learning a new language. The words felt funny on my tongue. And something in my heart felt warm. I blushed each time I said it, and yet it also felt good. Really good.”
I went through similar experiences a while back. A therapist told me to keep track of every negative self-statement my thoughts created and write it down. The next step was arguing each one. It’s a daunting process, and some of the toughest work I’ve done, but also some of the most important and rewarding.
Thank you so much August!!
And I love the project your therapist gave you! The day I stopped all negative thoughts about myself, I was shocked at the sheer volume (and sometimes the vehemence) of them. I also like how you argued against each one. That is the sort of rational therapy that works for me. Cognitive behavorial therapy has worked really well for me. It isn’t complicated, but it is so hard to retrain those synapses. Worthwhile, but hard!!
Have a lovely day!!
This reminded me so much of me looking out my “office” window to see the rising sun reflected in the waterfalls of my koi pond.
Namaste, love.
Smiling at you, Astrea. In my mind, I can see the waterfalls. Namaste, my friend.
Oh El, I am so thankful to have found you on Facebook. Sometimes when your blogs arrive I postpone reading them. You seem to always be in my mind and they always make me cry. You have such a gift and a talent. And I know we are grateful for your sharing. I love the visual of letting the light in. I forced myself to lie down and read your blog. Taking a few moments from my ragged day to slow down and replenish. Thank you so much El.
Xo
Good morning Erin!! I am so grateful for your kind remarks! I smiled–really, really smiled–when I read this last night. It really means so much to me to know my writing affects you this way. Much love to you, my friend.
I have been reading your posts for some time now and have not gathered the courage to write a comment until this inspiring post. Thank you for so courageously sharing that part of yourself with us… It helps me feel that I am not alone in this. I am a negative person most of the time… I tried many times to think of the positive side to things or whatever is happening to me and helped a few times… but many other times the negativity over powers me… I have started writing another ‘secret’ blog unknown to anyone of my family and friends just to spill my negativity out without hurting anyone’s feelings… I just want to get it out there and write it to clear my system… I have done it four times now and feel a little bit better each time… so this is how I am trying to deal with it… if I do not take such a step my marriage is in jeopardy and so are my children… thank you again for being so strong and inspirational. You are truly a remarkable mother and person.
Good morning Lana!!
I am so glad you left me a comment!! And you’re right: we’re not alone. We really aren’t. As far as the negativity–aye. I hear you. I do think we can change this, overcome it, but it takes work. I like your system for getting it out there–writing about it does help me too. It’s a lot like confiding in a friend, you know? And yeah–whatever you need to do to keep that marriage healthy and those children safe and healthy as well–is a good move. Thank you so much, my friend, and please come back and visit anytime. xo
El, You are of GREAT VALUE and a trusted dear friend and fellow REBEL THRIVER. You inspire us daily. Thank you so much for sharing this and running a wonderful workshop for your fellow sisters in Rebel Thriver….this is inspiration x1000!!! xoxo
Thank you so much Rebel Thriver!!! xoxoxo
What an inspirational post! I love your honesty, appreciate you putting yourself out there like that! I hope you understand that your bravery touches so many people on deep and profound levels. I’m not even quite sure how I turned around my self-loathing to self-love, or not sure enough to put it into words anyway. Just want you to know how much I appreciate you and appreciate our growing bloggy friendship
.
Good morning Carrie!! Thank you so much! And the funny thing about putting myself out there is that I don’t know any other way. I made a promise to myself a long time ago that at least when I wrote, I’d be myself–years ago, when I poured my heart out into my journal and never shared it. And it’s become a habit.
Now, as far as when you turned the self-loathing to self-love: WAHOO!!!
I appreciate you and your friendship a great deal too! xoxo
What a great story, especially because it’s true. Good for you for having the strength to find help, then listen, then follow through, then come through. Light is a metaphor but the real thing is itself strengthening to the spirit, isn’t it? Sunny days always make me feel sunnier myself.
Thank you so much Peg! And it is good to see you here tonight. Yes, there is something strengthening about light. It makes me think of the way my son sleeps with his light on at night. Without it, he sees monsters, but there is something about the light that prevents the monsters from showing their scary faces. A big smile, my friend.
I cried when I read this. I know how you feel. I think about suicide a lot bc it seems much easier then dealing with the everyday constant bullshit that I go thru… I just don’t feel like I can take much more. I may think about it but I will never do it bc of my child. I could never leave my babygirl with people who seems like they don’t care about her.
Hello my dear sweet anonymous friend. I’ve been there hun; I understand, and all I can say is the same thing I said to myself: your baby needs you. I am so sorry for the difficult time you’re going through and I pray that you will find a way out of the darkness and into the light. xoxo
El, your words always leave me so speechless. Especially loved this line, And rather than turn it on each demon, or each hurtful thought, I filled myself with light. And the light circled and branched out inside me, a like an unquenchable torch.
It is incredible how much power we have over our own thoughts that we don’t realize we have until we start practicing and embracing the light–battling back those demons and negative thoughts. I know what it’s like to be in a dark place, and I wish you nothing but the strongest, most brilliant light for the rest of your days. You are an amazing woman!
Thank you so much my friend. And thank you for copying and pasting that passage back to me so that I could see the ahem, typo!
And amen re the power we have over our own feelings. That used to fill me with a sense of dread, but now it reminds me to get up and change whatever is bothering me.
Thank you–I think you’re an amazing woman too!!
I really resonated with this post, as have so many others. Busy-ness is the key for me to get out of the darkness. It seems to come up on me these days as I’m traveling home from dropping off my daughter with her dad…I know I’m going home to an empty house. I end up channeling my “bad” thoughts into the house itself, which happens to be a fixer-upper. I have endless chores and tasks to occupy my time, and as I get busy cleaning, painting, working outside, the darkness fades away into productive and positive moments. Prayer, playing the piano or guitar, walking my dogs, going for a horse riding lesson, the things I enjoy also help me get to the surface. I love this post so much! Thanks, El! XOXO-SWM
I’ve been so random in my blog reading, it only just hit me that I’d been looking forward to this post . . . and almost missed it.
It’s been a few years since I struggled on an hourly scale versus a weekly one (or similar), but I do remember that I always started with my calves back then. I felt that if I could see that one good thing about myself, there were probably others I’d learn to see if I just gave myself enough time.
I was right. Now, in the rare spell when these thoughts return, I know they will pass before too long. And they do.
I was actually thinking about some similar things re: a mompetitor in my building. I was feeling a little unfriendly toward her tonight (after a couple of months without having to see her–yeah!), but then I remembered the days where I was loud in talking about all the AWESOME things I was doing. It was when I was shouting it the loudest that I felt it the least. I’m so grateful that’s something I no longer feel the need to do, although I think doing it was part of what helped get me here.
Love you! Loved this post. And you are of great value, to many, for many reasons. ♥
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You are good. You are kind. You are lovable. It’s true of you, and is my new mantra. Love you, girl.