I’ve been writing about such numbing, serious stuff here on my blog while I spend most of my time on my Facebook page telling funny stories or outlining my quirky, eccentric views on a wide range of issues. And it struck me that y’all might enjoy hearing about my lighter, stranger side. Well, I think my deep, dark muse is pretty freakin’ strange too, but you’re following my drift right? Here is where it all started last night . . .
Tonight’s theme is stupid things I have done while sober.
1. I left the plastic wrap on the chicken when I put it in the oven. Yum. Sizzle.
2. I told my aunt that my mom said my aunt’s face “looked old and wrinkly” (um, I was only 9 when I engaged in this brilliant conversation).
3. I smoked weed while on school property in high school. I was sober when I thought this was a good idea; not so sober when I learned otherwise.
4. I left college after one month to pursue my starving writer’s dream (and because Walden 2 sucked and I didn’t want to write a damn paper about it).
5. Five years later, I went to law school at William and Mary and pursued a career for which I was temperamentally ill-suited (or so the partners at the Firm would later say).
6. This summer, I ignored the water bill for three months and our water got shut off (oops).
7. I ran 8 marathons last year (trust me, stupid).
8. I forget to put my parking brake on and my little Subaru rolled down a hill and slammed (splat) into my parents’ cherry tree (smirk).
9. When I was 16, I threw a party at my parent’s house while they were out-of-town and Xeroxed directions to the party; then, I handed out directions to all the upper classmates. Do you remember Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? I channeled him that weekend.
10. I gave birth to three children in 2 and a half years.
11. One time, the guys and I snuck out after midnight, took my father’s car for a joyride, and then we couldn’t get the damn key out of the ignition. Now *that* was the most sleepless night I ever had. I did manage to wake up before my dad the next morning. I pretended I was going out for an early morning run, found the ignition release button on his gray Toyota Scarlet and got those keys out of the ignition JUST in time!
12. And finally, one time, when I was in 8th grade, I came home to our new house and I was locked out. It was pouring and none of the neighbors were home, and my parents wouldn’t be home for hours . . . so I took a rock and threw it through the window. This set off the damn alarm. It felt strangely liberating, until the cops showed up, and then I had to weave this long tale about how the window was already broken when I got home from school. This is one of the many stupid, naughty things Little El did. Anyone have any stories? I am already smirking.