I’ve been writing about such numbing, serious stuff here on my blog while I spend most of my time on my Facebook page telling funny stories or outlining my quirky, eccentric views on a wide range of issues. And it struck me that y’all might enjoy hearing about my lighter, stranger side. Well, I think my deep, dark muse is pretty freakin’ strange too, but you’re following my drift right? Here is where it all started last night . . .
Tonight’s theme is stupid things I have done while sober.
1. I left the plastic wrap on the chicken when I put it in the oven. Yum. Sizzle.
2. I told my aunt that my mom said my aunt’s face “looked old and wrinkly” (um, I was only 9 when I engaged in this brilliant conversation).
3. I smoked weed while on school property in high school. I was sober when I thought this was a good idea; not so sober when I learned otherwise.
4. I left college after one month to pursue my starving writer’s dream (and because Walden 2 sucked and I didn’t want to write a damn paper about it).
5. Five years later, I went to law school at William and Mary and pursued a career for which I was temperamentally ill-suited (or so the partners at the Firm would later say).
6. This summer, I ignored the water bill for three months and our water got shut off (oops).
7. I ran 8 marathons last year (trust me, stupid).
8. I forget to put my parking brake on and my little Subaru rolled down a hill and slammed (splat) into my parents’ cherry tree (smirk).
9. When I was 16, I threw a party at my parent’s house while they were out-of-town and Xeroxed directions to the party; then, I handed out directions to all the upper classmates. Do you remember Jeff Spicoli from Fast Times at Ridgemont High? I channeled him that weekend.
10. I gave birth to three children in 2 and a half years.
11. One time, the guys and I snuck out after midnight, took my father’s car for a joyride, and then we couldn’t get the damn key out of the ignition. Now *that* was the most sleepless night I ever had. I did manage to wake up before my dad the next morning. I pretended I was going out for an early morning run, found the ignition release button on his gray Toyota Scarlet and got those keys out of the ignition JUST in time!
12. And finally, one time, when I was in 8th grade, I came home to our new house and I was locked out. It was pouring and none of the neighbors were home, and my parents wouldn’t be home for hours . . . so I took a rock and threw it through the window. This set off the damn alarm. It felt strangely liberating, until the cops showed up, and then I had to weave this long tale about how the window was already broken when I got home from school. This is one of the many stupid, naughty things Little El did. Anyone have any stories? I am already smirking.
The first time I cooked Thanksgiving dinner for my father in law, I left the giblets inside the bird–still in the paper bag as the bird cooked. They were frozen to the side of the bird. I didn’t know. My FIL was an amazingly cool man. When we discovered my mistake, he broke the bag open and popped the heart and kidneys into his mouth then and there. The vegetarian in me was grossed out beyond words, but the DIL was touched beyond words.
Transitioning Mom: Awwww, that is so, so sweet of FIL!! And shoot, I have never even cooked a turkey (grinning)!!
El is a hellion! Love it!
I threw a party in high school that got crazy. My boyfriend drove his motorcycle into the house & we were all way too drunk. Let’s hope my kids don’t do that to us when we go out of town for the first time!!
LOL Jen!!! Love the image of the motorcycle inside the house! And I second you in that hope!
Um. Let’s see. Recent or ancient history? Let’s go recent: Went into the post office with a rear view mirror. Came out and found it wasn’t there. Waited for the person to come out so I could confront him. And then the little old lady came out. And I let her drive away.
Four hundred dollars later, it would have been good to have actually gotten her insurance information.
LOL Renee!!! We make such good partners! I thought you were just being a good Samaritan!! BTW, one time I drove into a carwash with a side mirror and came out of the carwash backwards and lost the same mirror. And it was a new car. Giggle.
This week, I burned the rice. And the chicken. And you know those buckwheat pillows you can put in the microwave? Over-nuked it. It smells like burnt popcorn now.
So I burn things.
A lot.
LOL Renee. Welcome to the Burners’ Club. We’re small but powerful.
A great list. I may steal this idea for my blog someday. I’ll give you credit, though.
I too have burned things. This week it includes my ring finger (scar-worthy) and my forehead. I’ve also danced on tables. Sober.
Leanne,
Thank you so much! LOL re burnt or burning items (oh wow, how did you get your forehead hun?) and I too have danced on tables (sigh) sober. I have a feeling, after reading about the adventures of Things 1 and 2, that a list made by you will be a list well worth reading!
~El
I love this so much, as just the other day I either tweeted or status updated (one of those lovely things) about how I wish I drank, as then at least I would have an excuse for why I do some of the things I do. It’s really a miracle that I’ve made it 30 years.
As for your list, No. 10? Holy crap. No. 11? Kind of awesome. Everyone needs a good story
Aw, thank you so much Abby, and thank you for stopping by! I too wish I possessed a drinking habit for the mere convenience of having it to blame on my not so sober-seeming choices! LOL. Yes, 10 is a true story (and my three children are lovely) and yep, 11 . . . sigh.
~El